Runny Noses and a Beautiful Life

   All I was doing was watching an art lecture at Ben's.
The boys were bored to tears and my mind was wandering over so many different areas--from present drama to past experiences.
  My stomach began to ache with anxiety.
I don't consider myself to be that anxious, but now that things are changing so much in my life and I'm faced with tough decisions and I have to leave so much behind, the anxiety and mini panic-attacks have been clogging my life.
   Graduation terrifies me.
The idea of high school being over brings tears to my eyes. And no, I won't miss the homework. But the lovely teachers and my friends that I see and interact with because of these classes won't be there anymore. My life will go on to other, strange, new things.

   I really just want to experience the beautiful.
Nothing is worse than feeling anxious and having a runny nose when you want a beautiful life.

   When asked by a lady in my church what I would rather be doing, I came up with a list:

"I would read every single book I've ever bought or picked up from the free-box at the library. I would drink strawberry-mango smoothies and go on moon-dates at the beach (I'd suggest it to anyone who hasn't tried it!). I would walk throughout Rochester, checking out the little shops I've never gone into.
I would ride a really, really, REALLY big roller coaster that I'm petrified of."

   Going so far as to add more to those wishes, I would want a mind of peace.
And more acceptance from others about what I want to do with my life. I tell people that I want to do missions work for the foreseeable future, and they scoff.
  But that is my dream.
It's my calling and for someone to take your dream and crush it under a weigh of that's-not-good-enough's and live-life-for-you's, you will feel sick. And inadequate.
  You finally chose to ignore a selfish lifestyle and you're told to pick it back up again?!
Honestly, I don't want that.
It's not beautiful enough. It sounds very Jesus-less. And I want more Jesus and less of me.
   Call me crazy, but I don't want to live my life, molding my personality and never focusing on things outside of myself.
That's not to say that other people are selfish and self-focused. This is only my own self that I'm speaking of.

   To those kids who want to live what's called the "Set-apart Life", I'm with you on this one.
It's something worth striving for.

Because, Jesus.